


Legend of the Cheesecake Paradox

by FrauleinFangirl



Category: How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Crossover, F/M, Falling In Love, Multi, New York City
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 14:40:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6662860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrauleinFangirl/pseuds/FrauleinFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penny moves to New York City temporarily to work on Broadway in order to accelerate her acting career and escape all the drama between her and her ex boyfriend, Leonard Hofstadter. But, her life becomes an interesting twist of adventure and lust when she meets the one and only, legendary Barney Stinson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bartendress: Challenge Accepted

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything from HIMYM or TBBT. The only things I own are my own original characters, and any factor of a character's life that didn't belong before. Anyhow, I tend to have very weird crossovers, and this one became a thing, so now it's going to be created into a fan fic. Hope you all enjoy it! Feedback is HIGHLY recommended!

_A tangle of lavish kissing, a short battle between dominating tongues, with a dash of dancing hands fumbling to clutch and tear-- a recipe for lust. A tie goes flying over a lamp shade, while a sweater soars through the air and descends silently onto the floor. Feet trip over each other as the two lovers shove each other down the hall towards the bedroom; the king-size whispers their names. Ongoing neighbors across the street would only be able to catch brief glimpses of the lovers’ silhouettes behind the grey curtain as they made love beneath the moonlight._

_Oh, how she loved him… her forbidden lover. How she loved that gorgeous blond, suited-up, and legendary..._

  Whoa. Hold up.

  “Son of a bitch!” Penny screeches, chucking the script for _Legend of the Charismatic Paradox_ across the room. It crashes on the soft, fuzzy white carpet underneath the coffee table.

  _Huh. Time spent playing dodgeball against a bunch of crystal meth heads in high school gym class has paid off,_ Penny briefly compliments herself before storming to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of champagne. After taking a long sip, she slams the glass down, while her free hand lies so flat against the marble counter that her knuckles turn white.

  The bastard had written ego-boosting bullshit in the rest of the script’s scene narrative. The thought makes her stomach twist into a knot. She’s already made the wrong mistake with one guy in Pasadena, California; now she’s made a horrifyingly similar, yet more adventurous mistake with a charming fellow in New York City.

  She’d have to back up quite a few steps to clarify how she’s reached this excruciating part of her life in the City That Never Sleeps.

\---

  
  It all began with a flight to New York City, of course. Penny pulls along her suitcase of clothes and other belongings while she quietly hums to a Maroon 5 song on her iPhone. She’s finally made it to the airport in search of a close girlfriend who’s working to become a broadway director, and who also happens to live in Queens.

  A high-pitched voice draws her away from the lyrics of the song. She glances up and finds Becky Marvello standing in a bright pink raincoat, waving frantically. Her light brown hair is frizzy and damp from the rain outside.

  Penny yanks off her earbuds and puts her phone on hibernate mode. She sprints over to her friend and hugs her tightly.

  “You’ve made it! Safely, thank God. I was beginning to worry your plane drowned in Pennsylvania or something.” Becky rambles, shaking her head.

  Penny narrows her eyebrows, grinning. “Why Pennsylvania?”

  Becky shrugs and returns the smile. “I don’t know. That was the first place that came to mind.”

  Penny giggles as they turn around and start walking towards the exit. “So, are we taking one of those famous yellow, New Yorkian cabs over to the apartment? Because I’ve seen those in tons of chick-flicks and I’ve always wanted to ride in one.”

  “You know it!” Becky smacks her friend on the arm playfully as they leave through the automatic sliding doors. A cab idles by the curb. Becky helps Penny load her gear in the trunk before escaping the pouring rain in the back of the cab.

  “Where to, ladies?” a 30-something Latino man asks, briefly glancing in the rearview mirror for an answer.

  “Lenox Avenue, please. That’s where Penny’s new apartment is.” Becky responds, glancing at her friend with a smile.

  At 6pm, Becky helps Penny unload her belongings in the new, spacious apartment in Savoy Park. She admires it with pure adoration. It was way better than her untidy and cramped apartment in Pasadena.

  Not to mention better than living across from her adorably nerdy ex boyfriend.

  Once finished, the girls sit on the sofa to share a glass of wine. Becky only stays for a half hour because she knows Penny is going to an interview at bar downtown at 7pm. Penny plans to use that as a side job for extra money until she began her newest project in her potential acting career: a broadway tale of forbidden love.

  “So, how did Leonard handle you packing up this morning, acknowledging the fact that he’s not going to see you for a while and that he has quite a lot of time to think over his dreadful mistake?” Becky asks quickly, twirling the red liquid gently in the glass.

  Penny swallows uncomfortably. Leonard Hofstadter is the last person she wants to discuss on her first day in New York City. Her intelligent, but compulsive-need-for-perfection ex boyfriend was probably moping and grieving over the loss of his beautiful, neighborhood girlfriend. Leonard was also probably annoying the hell out of Sheldon Cooper, his brilliant but condescending roommate, about the shattered relationship.

  Penny continues to feel remorse for dumping Leonard, but he had pushed her too far. A fresh start-- away from everything and everybody she knew about in Pasadena-- is what she primarily needed.

  “I don’t know, Beck…” Penny sighs, sipping some wine. Her toes curl into the fabric of the couch, a couple of the knuckles cracking. “He and Sheldon came to say goodbye when I started to leave. It seemed like he wanted to say more, but I dismissed him before anything slipped out. It was awkward.” More wine disappeared.

  Becky nods silently, not pushing any further. That’s the good thing about Becky, Penny thinks: she doesn’t push a subject too far off the cliff… unlike some people.

  “Well, I better get going. Your interview is coming up, and I gotta get back to practice my directions for our next broadway show. Will you be okay finding the bar without my help?”

  Penny nods and stands, setting her glass down. “Oh yeah, I’ll be alright. And if I don’t know how to make it back here, I’ll just ask somebody. You know I’m not shy when it comes to meeting strangers.”

  Becky snickers as she slips on her pink raincoat and strolls up to the door. Gripping the doorknob, she glances over her shoulder and replies, “Alright, sweetie, good luck. And be careful.”

  Penny nods back with a smile, her hands slipping into her jean pockets.

  Becky opens the door and starts to head out, but halts and adds, “Oh, and just an FYI, be careful about who you ask for guidance around the city.”

  Penny narrows her eyebrows and cocks her head. “What do you mean?”

  “Word on the street from some other gals in town say a blond, womanizing idiot who wears suits lurks around in that bar.”

  “Oh. Well, thanks for the warning. What’s the place called again?”

  “MacLaren’s.” And with that, Becky was out the door.

  ---

  Barney Stinson strolled into MacLaren’s ten to 7pm, wearing the newest pick-up outfit he has added to his collection. Tonight, he’s going to initiate “The Busboy Operation” in order to bring another rebound chick home to bang. His feelings of agony from a recent breakup are masked by his awesomeness.

  His gang isn’t in the bar tonight. Ted was grading college papers in his apartment; Marshall and Lily were having dinner at a sushi restaurant blocks away, and Robin was broadcasting late reports on Metro News 1. Nevertheless, it gives him plenty of space to act as freely and as recklessly as he pleases, without getting judged by his best friends.

  “Hey, Barney!” a young bartender with dark hair and huge biceps waved him over to the bar counter; he wipes down a glass in the process. “C’mere, I gotta tell you somethin’.”

  Intrigued, Barney strolls over to the counter and leans on it, ignoring the fact that the dull white apron covered up his tailored black suit. “Spill those dirty secrets you’ve been dying to share with an awesome bro. Hence, me.” He straightens his tie with smug smirk.

  The bartender chuckles genuinely as he finishes cleaning the glass. “No, that’s not it, Barney. I’ve come to share something to you that you might be interested in.”

  Deciding to cut the jokes, Barney leans in closer and narrows his eyes curiously. “I’m listening.”

  The bartender sets the glass and cleaning rag down. He speaks in a soft tone. “Rumor has it from the boss that a new bartender is coming in tonight for a three-hour shift.”

  Barney scoffs, retreating his posture a little. “That’s not exactly ground-breaking news to me, dude. You guys get new bartenders frequently. Who takes the time to notice anyway when there are plenty of hot chicks to admire in here?” He demonstrates by glancing around and then shooting a smirk to him.

  “What about… well, shall we call them, _bartenderesses?”_ the dark-haired man offers with a smirk of his own.

  Barney crooks an eyebrow up high. When he leans back in, much closer this time, the bartender smiles because he knows he has Stinson’s attention now. “A bartendress, you say? Interesting…” His hand crawls to his chin as his thumb and index finger scratch his jaw.

  “Yeah, she’s new in town, or so I hear.” The bartender shrugs like it’s no big deal, but he’s loving Barney’s keen interest.

  “New is always better, my friend. Watch and learn when she comes strolling through that door, because the Barnacle has his new target acquired!” Barney exclaims with excitement as he leans his shoulders against the counter. He watches the door for a few seconds, but nothing dramatic happens.

  “Know what she looks like, by any chance?” Barney hisses over his shoulder, surveying the door through the corner of his eye.

  “Sorry, can’t help you there. I’m sure you’ll know once she comes in. That Barnacle Radar will send you an emergency alert, right?” The bartender winks before walking away to serve to another customer.

  Barney waits impatiently near the bar counter, but there’s no sign of any significant woman who could possibly be the new female bartender. Giving up for the time being, he decides to chat up two half-drunk girls at a table. He’s about to make a sexual innuendo about busboys when a glimpse of platinum-blond hair, leg-hugging jeans, and a maroon blouse catches his eye.

  She’s studying a piece of paper before she glances around the room. She must be confirming that this was the right place.

  _Oh yes, indeed… this is the right place, you gorgeous little minx._ Barney thinks as his eyes light up and his heart accelerates, while something else below throbs for a whole different reason.

  She has got to be the one.

  “Hi. You must be the new bartender. I’m Carl.” Another big, brawny, and dark-haired man approaches her and extends his hand.

  “Oh, hi! I’m Penny. I’m glad I found the right place.”

  “Glad to hear it. C’mon back, I’ll get you started with the introduction before I send you off on your shift.” Carl gestures for her to follow him behind the counter to the back.

  “Great!” Penny smiles and follows him.

  Barney’s emotions are bouncing all over the place. The alert system from the Barnacle Radar shrieks inside his head. He stands up and abandons the drunken girls. They scoff in disgust and turn away from him.

  “The Busboy Operation… is officially initiated,” Barney narrates to himself, thanking the High and Mighty above silently. “Challenge accepted!”


	2. The Gynecologist Initiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Barney's plan to try and pick up Penny on her first day at MacLaren's backfires, he discovers a new identity that may be the better option for his mission.

  “Now, you’re experienced with mixing the drinks and such, correct?” Carl asks, holding one of the silver mixers in his large hand.

  Penny nods. “Mhmm. I worked at the Cheesecake Factory back in Pasadena, and for a while I had a shift at the bar. Shouldn’t be too difficult to figure it out.”

  Carl smiles genuinely. “Perfect. Just let me know if you need any help. Or Darren can help you out; he’s working at the bar tonight, too. Anyway, your uniform is in the closet back here.” He points the the small brown door near the kitchen.

  “Oh, you’ve provided me one?”

  “Yup. That’s one good thing that comes out of good ol’ MacLaren’s.” Carl shrugs like it’s no big deal and smiles again.

“Aw, that’s very nice! Thank you!” Penny beams and heads toward the closet when she’s about to start her first shift. She changes in the facility restroom into the black blouse and slacks, before tying the black apron around her waist. Once she’s finished, she puts her casual clothes in her locker and heads back out to meet Darren.

  “Hi there. You must be Penny, right?” another big-yet-smaller-than-Carl man asks as he’s wiping a dirty glass down.

  “That’s right. And you must be…” Penny holds out her hand and feels ashamed for forgetting his name already.

  “Darren.” The dark-haired bartender grins and shakes her hand briefly. “I take it Carl explained everything, huh?”

  “Yep! He was very helpful.”

  “Great. I’m always around if you need help as well. But, guessing from what I heard about your skills at the Cheesecake Factory, I have no doubt you’ll become a professional MacLaren’s bartendress.”

  Penny smiles, slightly flattered by the friendly gesture. “Thanks.”

  She takes hold of her first shift head-on and discovers it’s not much harder than when she served drinks at the Cheesecake Factory. In fact, it was nice to have brand new customers, and especially not having to see a smartass Sheldon Cooper or a controlling Leonard Hofstadter. No, tonight is flowing smoothly for her.

  ---

  Barney stares from afar as the platinum-blond goddess whips drinks here and there for customers like it’s the easiest job ever. He notices how she has thrown up her hair in a ponytail and how her uniform doesn’t cling as much as her other clothes. But, no matter. He’s already seen her curves through the jeans and the maroon blouse. The thought causes him to drool a little and his hand slips from underneath his chin. As a result, he staggers. He straightens himself and his tie, casually glancing around to make sure nobody’s giving him odd looks.

_   Now, it’s time to put the “Busboy Operation” into action.  _ Barney smirks to himself.

  The apron around his tailored suit succeeds at annoying him, but he ignores it as best as he can as he strolls up towards the bar. The bartendress barely notices him; she’s too busy preparing and serving drinks. He observes her from the corner of his eye as he sneaks over towards an empty table. A different busboy left a bucket full of dirty dishes on it.

  Perfect timing, Barney smiles.

  After double-checking his blind spots, Barney picks up the bucket carefully. He begins his mission to score the new bartendress at other tables first, close enough for her to see him. Then, he takes out the big guns and starts his prowl towards the bar. 

  He takes dirty, empty glasses off the table for customers. A mixed scent of perfume, cologne, and booze wafts up his nose as he leans over and snatches up cups. Nevertheless, his feet get closer to the beautiful bartendress, inch by inch.

  In the meantime, Penny smiles and continues to serve drinks to the friendly New York locals. She never knew these people were so kind. Of course, she knows they are not  _ all  _ like that, but the ones she’s met so far have been. As she serves martinis and beers, she wishes Becky was here to see how hard she’s working. Her first day on the job and already everything is planned perfectly.

  Centimeters from her, Barney has traveled around the curve of the bar. He set the bucket down so he could remove a rag and start wiping down the counter. He shouldn’t be, but strangely, he feels nervous. Any other day Barney could commence pick-up operations like this no problem; he could dust his hands within 12 hours and walk away with a victorious smirk. Yet, deep inside him, something warns him that this woman is not going to be an easy pickup. It would probably take time, effort, and motivation.

  No matter, though, Barney ponders to himself. He always got the “yes”. Therefore, the platinum-blond goddess will eventually say yes to him.

  “Oh, good! I was just about to ask Darren where the busboy had run off to.” A sweet, high-pitched voice spoke up.

  Barney freezes in the middle of wiping the counter. He slowly glances up and discovers the bartendress is talking to him; she briefly looks to her left to see him. However, she’s gone quickly back to mixing another drink.

  At first, Barney’s in shock. But then a smirk creeps onto his lips as he realizes the bartendress has finally noticed him. Standing straighter and looking more confident, Barney resumes to wiping the counter and responds, “No need to worry any longer. I’ve got this, sweetheart.”

  He’s hoping the bartendress appears flustered by his small, flirty comment, but she doesn’t hear him. In fact, she’s not even looking at him anymore. Barney’s heart sinks, and he curses to himself under his breath.

_   Little minx doesn’t play fair,  _ he grumbles in his thoughts. His hands furiously scrub down the counter, even though it’s almost spotless. He has to find another way to get her full attention.

  Across the room, he involuntarily overhears a conversation between a young man and woman. As Barney glances over there, he watches them talking to each other. The woman in the purple floral dress giggles while the man in the blue dress shirt and grey slacks teases her.

  Barney raises an eyebrow in surprise. The guy’s trying to pick up the gorgeous brunette. He smirks and gives the dude credit for suiting up. Most women dig that.

  “Wanna come back to my place? I promise there’s no models or posters of the female reproductive system. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.” The guy winks as he stands up and helps the woman slip on her sweater.

  Barney stifles a laugh. The guy earns more points in his Bro Code record for using a clever pickup line. The woman’s gotta be head-over-heels for him now.

  “Shut up. I’d love to come back to your place.” The woman replies with a smile. “Besides, I wanted to inform you that my ‘goods’ are now open for business.” She winks at him, lust filling her eyes.

  The man’s eyes darken seductively as he leads her towards the door. “Well, as we gynecologists like to say, I am ‘at your cervix’.”

  They disappear through the door. Barney’s eyebrows raise in admiration. The wheels in his head-- which had gotten stuck when the bartendress failed to notice the entire Stinson package-- start to turn again. Rapidly, this time.

  He dumps the rag into the bucket and then he sprints over to the other end of the bar where Darren is working. He slams the bucket down, startling a couple customers, and then yanks the apron strings free. 

  Darren whips his head up and chuckles as Barney smoothes out his suit. “Did the Busboy Operation not go as planned?”

  Panting, Barney shakes his head with disappointment. His arm leans against the counter. “No. But, I’ll keep it in the records for future references. I’ve thought of an even better profession to use in my pursuit.” He straights his tie with an arrogant smirk.

  Darren shakes his head as he pours some more whiskey for a guy. “Barney, don’t you think it would just be better if you told her your true profession instead of coming up with a lie on the spot? Believe it or not, women happen to respect honesty more than a precious lie.”

  Barney stares at Darren to see if he’s joking. When he realizes he isn’t, he scoffs. “Please. What woman has ever done that? Haven’t you seen how disgusted they look after you spill your guts out? Trust me, this one--” he gestures to Penny-- “is going to love what I have planned. Be back in ten, tops!”

  He darts for the door as Darren laughs and moves back over to Penny to see how she’s handling the first hour of her shift.

  Penny has just seen a flash of black and blond hair rush out the door seconds before Darren strolls up to her, chuckling. She smiles and asks, “I have to ask: was that a friend of yours?”

  Darren meets her gaze and grins. “You could say that. He’s also a frequent MacLaren’s customer.”

  “I see,” Penny replies, smiling as she slides a beer over to a customer. “Out of curiosity, who is he? Is he coming back?”

  Darren snickers and shoots her a mischievous look. “Oh yeah, he’s definitely comin’ back. And trust me, you’ll know who he is once he returns.”


	3. Serial Apist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Penny finally meets the legendary Barney Stinson at MacLaren's, she unravels his true identity on their first date, while he discovers an embarrassing part of her acting career.

The first hour of Penny’s first shift at MacLaren’s finally ends. Only two hours left until she’s free to go home and relax with Becky, perhaps do a little unpacking before going to bed.

Darren had been extremely helpful, but being an experienced bartender, Penny didn’t need much of his help. Some of the locals had also asked about her life while she served drinks. She chatted up some and shared a couple laughs. Now, as she starts the next hour of her three-hour shift, she wonders about that “friend” of Darren’s who bolted out not long ago.

 _Could that guy be the one Becky warned me about?_ The thought lingers in her mind as she wipes down the counter. The bar is starting to clear out, but there are still plenty other late-night customers hanging around. At the same time, she wonders if that guy will come back and be a part of the late-night crowd. If Darren claims he’s a common MacLaren’s visitor, then it must mean that the guy has stayed late on occasion. Besides, Darren informed her that he’d return soon.

Halfway through the second hour, as Penny faces away from the door to clean glasses, Barney Stinson strolls back into MacLaren’s. He strides into the room confidently, straightening his suit jacket. He approaches the front end of the bar where Darren stands chatting to somebody. The bartender glances up and smirks, yet his eyes hold a confused glimmer.

“I thought you had a brilliant idea…?” Darren begins cautiously, raising an eyebrow.

Barney fires him a smirk before shoving his hand inside his jacket. Then, he pulls out an I.D. card and slides it across the counter. Darren picks it up and narrows his eyes, studying it.

The bartender remains confused. He slowly hands it back to Barney and murmurs, “Um… where the hell did you get this?”

“I know a guy. He’s good at making these babies.” Barney responds, his lips crooking upward. He takes the I.D. and stuffs it back into his pocket. “You, sir, have just witnessed the beginning of a new pickup session. And now, you shall see how successful I am with this badass I.D. card once I take that woman home. Then, I’ll pour some wine for her, flirt with her for a bit, and then I’ll start doing unspeakable things with her that will escalate into--”

“Okay, brother, I get it,” Darren holds up his hands, chuckling. “She’s hot, I know, but I’ve gotta warn you: she’s not going to fall prey to you easily. By midnight, _you_ might end up being _her_ demise.”

Something deep inside Barney’s unbreakable shell tells him that Darren could be right about her. But, because Barney shoves vulnerability back in the bag and presents awesomeness instead, he snorts in response.

“Just you wait, my friend. She’ll be head-over-heels for me like that brunette chick was with the _real_ gynecologist.”

Darren chuckles quietly. “Well, good luck, man.”

Barney nods and clears his throat. He pops a mint into his mouth and chews it for a few seconds. Then, he stalks toward the other end of the bar. His footsteps seem to echo dramatically-- in his head at least-- as he approaches the counter and leans his shoulder against it.

His new quest has begun.

\---

Penny finishes the last of the glasses and sighs a breath of relief. Yet, as she inhales a few seconds later, a strong scent clouds her. It’s mixed with cologne and mint. Out of instinct, she turns around and meets a blue-eyed gaze just mere inches from her.

A man with styled blond hair, a black suit, and a charming smile greet her. Her mind goes blank for a moment. She quickly regains her thoughts. However, she can’t help but notice how handsome he looks.

“Hello there.” He purrs seductively. Penny blinks, and it’s because of the shivers that crawls over her body.

“Rumor has it you’re new in town. Is that right?” He subconsciously smoothes his hand over his black tie and chews on the remainder of the mint.

At first, Penny’s unable to answer him. His handsomeness blocks her mind, preventing her from making clear decisions. She snaps out of it and studies him just a little harder. Blond hair, suits, a charming smile… and he’s flirting with an unfamiliar woman. That could only mean one thing…

“Yep. And rumor has it you’re the womanizer my best friend from Queens warned me about.” Penny retorts casually, though she can’t hide her smirk. She always likes creating clever comebacks.

The guy raises an eyebrow and leans away an inch. “Queens, huh? Do I know this friend? Maybe I’ve slept with her before…” he rubs his chin and pretends to think hard.

Penny’s eyes widen slowly. _God, I hope that’s not how Becky knows him._

“I sure hope not,” she replies coolly, pretending to wipe down a dirty spot on the counter. “You haven’t even gotten in my pants yet and you’re already trying to tell me you’ve slept with my best friend from Queens.”

Barney’s eyebrows raise in astonishment. He bursts into laughter seconds later. Damn, the girl is good.

“What up, babe,” he guffaws. “I’m just kiddin’, I probably don’t know her. I don’t go to Queens much anymore. I’m too busy trying to balance being a doctor and being awesome.”

Penny blinks again and purses her lips. “A doctor? Huh… you don’t strike me as the type who could be a doctor.”

Barney raises an eyebrow, feeling excitement course through his veins. Now the platinum-blond goddess is showing keen interest in the Stinson package. _Self-five for going with the Gynecologist plan._ He praises with a smirk.

He reaches inside his jacket and slips out the card he showed Darren just moments earlier. He gently slides it across the counter to Penny’s view. He then watches her as she carefully picks up the card and studies it.

Penny reads it. The card says:

 _Dr._ _Barnabus Stinson_

_Gynecologist, PhD_

_Need an appointment? Call 1-800-LETS-BANG_

Her eyebrows shoot up at the phone number. Then she stifles a mock laugh. Barney glances up at her and smiles, proud of himself for sticking to this plan. _There is no doubt this guy has chosen me as his newest target,_ Penny concludes.

“Wow… that’s impressive.” Penny hands the card back.

“Well, if you ever need an appointment, contact me _directly,”_ Barney grins, slipping the card back in his pocket. “As we gynecologists like to say, I am ‘at your cervix’.”

Any other night, Penny would probably be appalled and turned off by a womanizer’s ridiculous pick-up lines. She’s loving the single life; she’s feeling less suffocated. Plus, escaping any rebound relationship after dating Leonard is one of the main reasons she wants to stay in New York City for a while. But, because she feels pitiful for this man for putting in a lot of effort to try and hook up with the new girl in his 9-block radius-- and also because he’s pretty cute-- she laughs off her dismay. She’s having such a good night that she refuses to allow something small to ruin it for her.

“Thanks, I might take you up on that offer. I mean, the one I had from Pasadena can’t uproot just to check my lady parts once in awhile.” Penny shrugs and sets the last clean glass down.

Barney nods understandingly, keeping his shoulder against the bar counter. “Too bad. I’m sure your lady parts are worth looking at.” He shoots her a smirk and an infamous Stinson wink.

Penny snickers. That line might have offended some women, but she let it slide. She grew up in Nebraska and beat crystal meth heads at every game in gym class. It takes a lot to set her off.

“I’m Penny, by the way.” The platinum-blond goddess smiles brightly and extends her hand across the bar counter. Barney’s heart jumps a little. The girl has a gorgeous smile.

He smiles back and grasps her hand in a firm, yet gentle handshake. “Dr. Barnabus Stinson, at your cervix.” He stifles a laugh, though he can’t help himself for letting the line slip. “My non-colleagues call me Barney, though.”

“Hello, Barney. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“And it is quite a pleasure to be acquainted with such a beautiful young lady.” Barney purrs, still clutching her hand. He shoots her his best seductive look before loosening his grip. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to her knuckles. Her scent wafts from her skin, and he goes weak in the knees. Damn, she smells good.

“You smell delicious,” Barney says breathlessly, dramatically inhaling her skin one more time before giving her hand back. “Do you even have to bathe when you already smell that good?”

Penny giggles, blushing. She hasn’t blushed in a long time. Strangely, it feels nice. And she hasn’t been this flattered by a guy in a long time, either. “It’s a coconut-scented body wash. I have the same brand for my shampoo, too. My…” She swallows and smoothes her ponytail over her shoulder nervously. “... _ex’s_ roommate, Sheldon, hates it. He’s kind of phobic about change, so apparently I can’t make new choices around him.” She chuckles, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

Barney raises an eyebrow again. He faces forward and puts his other arm on the counter. Leaning in curiously, he asks, “You have an ex? Sounds like it was recent.”

“Yeah, it was. But, I’m having a good night, so I don’t want to discuss it.” Penny responds quickly, backing away from Barney’s gaze.

He watches her as she fumbles with sorting the beer glasses. He has struck a nerve while the night is still early. He’s beyond curious about this ex of hers, and by God he wants to know more, but Barney has a feeling it’s not a good idea to push this girl.

Besides he hasn’t scored a bartendress yet, and he doesn’t want to waste his chance.

“Hey, wanna join me for a drink somewhere? Or if you’re hungry, I know this great steakhouse a couple blocks away.” Barney offers, gesturing towards the door.

Penny glances back up at him in surprise. A devilish glint lies behind those blue eyes and those beautiful lips, but so does sincerity. So, she grins and replies, “You know what, Dr. Stinson? A steakhouse sounds perfect right now.”

“Really?” Barney straightens abruptly.

“Yeah, why not? My shift is over by now, and I’m starving. I haven’t eaten since lunch, and that was hours before I arrived in New York City.”

Barney’s heart skips a beat. He beams. “Alright! Let’s do it!”

“I’ll get changed.” Penny turns towards the back door behind the bar and starts to untie her apron.

“Ooh, mind if I come with you?” He teases flirtatiously, almost attempting to hop over the counter and follow her.

“No!” Penny screeches, eyes widened. “If you stay there, tomorrow’s drinks will be on the house.”

“Done. But, you shouldn’t leave us hanging.” Barney gestures to himself and his penis with a look of disappointment. When Penny frowns he laughs mischievously and holds up his hand. “What. Up. Babe.”

Penny shakes her head in disgust, though she cannot refrain from smiling. “I’ll be ready in a couple minutes.”

When she disappears into the backroom, Barney smiles broadly and subconsciously smoothes his black tie again. He loves this girl already, which leaves him wondering how great she probably is in bed. And damn it, he couldn’t wait to get her there.

Darren strolls over with smirk. “So, did the gynecologist plan work?”

“Bro, it worked way beyond my expectations,” Barney sighs of relief. He feels euphoric. “I’m taking her to dinner at Dave’s Steak-Out. Then, I’m gonna take her home, pour some wine for her, flirt with her, and then I’ll start doing unspeakable things to her that will escalate into--”

“Dude, stop going into details about your ‘potential’ sex life tonight.”

“Potential? It _will_ happen, Darren. The girl’s attracted to me. I can see it in her eyes.”

“She just moved here. I don’t think she’s gonna surrender to you easily. Not only that, but she’s not like any of those dumb blond girls you’ve hooked up with in the past. This girl’s got a brain, believe it or not.”

A warning triggers Barney’s unbreakable shell again, but he ignores it anyway. He scoffs in derision. “Please, she fell for the gynecologist identity. She’s just as gullible as those other girls I’ve banged with before. How is _Penny_ any different?”

\---

“Okay, what’s your real profession?”

Barney drops his silverware and nearly chokes on a piece of steak. A few customers glance over when they hear the clattering. Penny waves them off, assuring them.

“What-what do you mean? I’m a gynecologist. I have a professional card right here.” Barney points to his jacket.

“Oh come on, you can’t be. All the gynecologists I’ve ever met-- whether it was mine or my friends’-- never ate medium-rare steak or dipped their fries in ketchup _and_ A1 sauce. Plus, none of the male gynecologists I’ve met are as well-dressed and as good-looking as you.”

Barney perks up. “I’m sorry, what? You had me at ‘well-dressed and good-looking’.”

“Barney!” Penny exclaims, coming to abrupt stop from cutting her steak. “Just be honest with me. My last relationship came from a bucket of lies. So, tell me: who are you?”

Barney sighs, dropping his napkin. He gazes at Penny and notices the desperation in her eyes. His game is up… and he’s definitely not going to get laid. He’s sure of it.

“Alright, you want the truth? Fine. My name is truly Barney Stinson… but I’m not a gynecologist. I wish I was, though. It probably pays well, and it’s got to be _amazing_ being able to look at vaginas all day--”

“Okay, enough! I’m eating!”

“Sorry. Anyway, I work for Goliath National Bank, aka GNB. And by the way, my real job pays me well, so I’m not complaining too much.” He shrugs nonchalantly and sips his drink.

There’s silence between the two of them as Penny gazes at him in wonderment. The expression causes Barney to shift uncomfortably. Finally, he breaks the awkwardness.

“You’re probably turned off by now, huh?”

“No! It’s not that.” Penny drops her knife and fork, abandoning her steak. “I think that’s a really cool job. And by the looks of it, you’ve been working there for a while.”

Barney stares at her in shock. “Yeah, I have. Thanks for not flipping out. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

“Glad I didn’t. Don’t worry, I’m not exactly finished with you yet.” Penny winks at him, mocking him from earlier at MacLaren’s.

He raises an eyebrow and tries to swoon her with his seductive eyes. “My apartment is only three blocks away. We can get there in fifteen minutes, tops. I’m ready to go if you are, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh no, I’ve just met you. And I just got out of a messy relationship. I’m following the three-date rule before sex becomes the norm.”

“Ex-boyfriend issues. Hot.” Barney nods and winks.

Penny giggles. They continue to eat their dinner without any more awkward moments, and she’s relieved that she knows the truth about Barney Stinson now. However, she begins to question her career status because of his success at GNB.

“Besides,” Penny returns to the job discussion from earlier as she finishes her steak, “you’re lucky to have a professional job. I’ve been trying to be an actress for a few years now. Thankfully, I might have a potential career on Broadway soon. That’s the other reason why I moved to New York City.”

“Broadway is phenomenal. You’ll love it.”

“I hope so, because I’ve barely made a dent in my acting career. The only real break I got was this crappy horror film called _Serial Apist_. My character was killed forty-five minutes in, but I sure rocked that shower scene.”

Barney’s eyes widen. His heart stops. This woman, Penny, the platinum-blond goddess, has starred in a film. A film that contains a shower scene. That could only mean one thing…

And he has to find it. Now.

“Thanks for joining me for dinner! I gotta go, but I’ll pay on the next date!” He leaps out of his seat and zig-zags his way through the restaurant before bursting out the door. Everyone watches in awe and confusion, including Penny.

“You’re actually asking me for a second date?” She shouts toward the door, but it’s no use. Barney is gone to search helplessly for her shower scene in _Serial Apist_. Nevertheless, despite abruptly abandoning their first date, Penny doesn’t mind. In fact, she’s excited to see what Barney Stinson has in store for the second date.

And who cares what Becky warned her about? If you just get to know him, he’s harmless. Right?

She would come to regret that thought later on. But, for now, she needs to catch a cab and go find Barney before he pulls up that embarrassing scene of her in that terrible horror movie.


End file.
